For the Visually Impared

I wear glasses; I've needed them since kindergarten.

Actually, I probably needed them before then, but being an illiterate preschooler made the eye chart hard to read.

My prescription is nice and strong too, I have the coke-bottle type.

Well, I would have to coke-bottle lenses except they now cheat with plastics and weird shapes which makes not only them thinner, but one's wallet as well.

Glasses are a great thing to have as a child. To start with, they're the only good toy for future mad scientist that parents will let a 6-year-old play with. The chemistry sets don't come until late elementary school, and they tend to neglect the flame-building nitrates, phosphates and chlorates for boring things like citric acid...wow...the PH paper turns red. Glasses on the other hand are toy death-rays. And what better way to develop the spurned "Fools! I'll destroy them all!" attitude than the ostracism provided by a pair of glasses?

Sadly my prescription has been decreasing over the years. As things are going, I'll have 20/20 vision in just 25 years. I hope that will give my eyes enough time to require reading glasses. The truth is, I like wearing them.

It's not all fun though, on problem is finger prints, dust, noseeums, and all sorts of junk on the lens making it hard to see. So I end up rinsing and drying, then finding that water droplets are no different than dirt. But I realize that without glasses all that crud would end up in my eyes, and only Apple is able to make people want eye-crud.

I'll give you a moment to find an emergency eye-wash station.

And then there's the conundrum of how to find your glasses. You can't see without them, so how are you supposed to search? To make the problem worse, glasses have to be clear and blend into the background. You could always grope around like Geordi on Star Trek (why in the word did his visor detach so easily? my glasses are harder to take off) but the rest of the away team always gets shot before you find them.

I'm thinking glasses-fetching dogs are the answer--they seem to work for every other disability. Pugs would be the best. by having no muzzle they couldn't grip the glasses anywhere but the metal frame prevent tooth-damage to the lens. People with serious glasses prescriptions also are stereotypically dorky enough not to care if they're seen with a pug.

Apologies to any pug owners out their. I realize it's not your fault the pet store only had pugs and platypi that day.

You still should have taken the platypus though.